• 61°

Loving relationship stops short of intimacy

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a man, and I have fallen in love with him. He says he feels the same way and tells me often that I treat him better than anybody ever has.
Unfortunately, when the time came to move our relationship to an intimate level, I found my attraction to him was one-sided. When I asked him why, he said he did not find me desirable because of my weight. He also mentioned that in the past he had always dated “Barbie dolls” who did him wrong, so he decided to look for something different, and that’s when he found me.
I don’t understand how you can love someone and not desire them. What are your thoughts? — ONE-SIDED IN TEXAS

DEAR ONE-SIDED: This man may love your many attributes — intelligence, honesty, sense of humor, etc. — but he is not IN love. If you want a romantic relationship, you need to find someone who values you for YOURSELF — inside and out. Give him marks for honesty and send him back to his Barbie dolls because you deserve better, and he deserves more of the same.
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DEAR ABBY: While I was battling cancer, my husband vanished into thin air with all our money. It has been years now, and we finally were divorced, but I have never been able to get over what he did to me. Talking to professionals helped some, but I still wonder what happened.
We were together for 20 years. I was left in a remote part of Alaska to fend for myself when I could hardly get around after the surgery and radiation treatments. It’s like he wanted me dead. How can I possibly get over what I thought was the love of my life? — CAN’T LET GO

DEAR CAN’T LET GO: Your husband may have been the love of your life, but the love of HIS life was … him. That he not only ran when the chips were down but cleaned out the bank account, leaving you battling a life-threatening illness, was beyond the pale. Why he did it was fear, weakness and lack of character.
Having prevailed over cancer and poverty, getting over your ex should be a cinch. However, finding the ability to trust again may be another matter, and no one would blame you if you couldn’t do it. An important step forward might be more counseling to help you cope.
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DEAR ABBY: My friend has an adult child with a drug addiction. Sometimes when we are together, this child will call begging for money. My friend gives in every time. She feels terrible about doing it but can’t seem to say no. She has attended several Nar-Anon meetings, but no longer wants to go because she says it’s depressing. As a friend, what’s the best way to support her? — HER CARING FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Although those meetings may be “depressing,” they can also be enlightening if someone is open to it. Point out to your friend that even MORE depressing would be losing a child to addiction and knowing that she was the enabler. Then volunteer to attend meetings with your friend until she gains the strength to act responsibly.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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